DizzyStreet

One of the things I’ve been kicking myself over lately is the fact that I have done very little online for a few months now. The reason for it is another roller-coaster ride with depression and issues arising from my first experience with sexual abuse. Why am I being so hard on myself you may wonder? Simply because part of the reason for this blog on the site is to document and share some of what I go through but I am going to try and change that.

I’m quite aware of my changing moods and what each could mean to me, I will monitor subtle changes and if I feel that they could be spiralling out of control a little I’ll take whatever measures I can to ensure I get the help I need at that time.  I think what set things off for me this time was learning a little more about my first abuser – he was the one who really has had the biggest impact on my life.

I’m currently writing a book about my life, its darker moments and just how things snowball over the years following sexual abuse.  It’s important to document what I can in order to get it out of my head but to also add my voice to those who have shared similar stories because it’s time that people really stood up and paid attention to this problem that really isn’t going to go away anytime soon.

In writing this, I come to points where I almost get obsessive with some of the trivial or minor details that really don’t have a huge bearing on how things go and one of those things was ‘just how old was this creep?’ I managed to find out when he was born and it turns out that when I was 4 years old and this was happening to me, he was 14 years old. It’s not what I expected at all, my memory of this guy was that he was much older but then perspective came back to me and I realised at the age of 4, he would have appeared to me as a LOT older.  I then found I was trying to justify what he did but I caught myself and after a stern talking to admitted to myself that it doesn’t matter how old he was, he was still at an age where he knew what he was doing was wrong, he was still grooming me before the abuse and he was behaving in a classic pattern. He was and IS to blame and nothing changes that.

I still struggled to come to terms with this new information and was getting worried about myself and the impact it was having on me so once again I sought counselling and I’m so glad I did. I wish I had been posting about my counselling sessions as they were happening though, I do regret that now but earlier on I really didn’t have the energy or concentration to be able to. I felt stripped bare once again emotionally and with those wounds opening up once more I just couldn’t sit here and share. I’m still in counselling but I’m getting stronger so I feel able to start sharing more.

The worst part with this type of healing journey (at least for me, I can’t speak for others) is that it’s a case of one step forward, two steps back but with time I’m getting to that fabled light at the end of the tunnel. My counsellor is really great too, there’s nothing worse getting to know a new one and having them getting to know you. Sharing all the personal stuff you’d rather not be telling anyone, laying your soul bare, it isn’t the easiest of things. She’s really wonderful though, I feel so at ease with her and I often leave there feeling so much lighter in myself.

I’m not due to see her for a little over a week and it’s been hard because this last week has really been hard for me and I think that by my next appointment I’m really going to need it.

In just a week I’ve discovered that a new friend has been on a similar journey, another friend’s son who was sexually abused a couple of years ago is about to face his abuser in a court case and someone close to me who endured incest cracked and almost chose to take her life. I’m so glad that I can write “almost”, she reached out for help just in the nick of time.

My sister worries about how these things might affect or trigger me and rightly so as things like this, especially close hand can have a big impact on our own healing, it’s a huge burden to share with others but I think an important one. Obviously I’ve got to use common sense and good judgement to ensure that I don’t let it impact on me too greatly but still allow myself to be there as a support of some sort where needed. Luckily not all of the people mentioned need support from me.

One of the hard things for me at the moment is that I’m suffering from [a hopefully minor bout of] insomnia, mostly it’s due to restless legs when I try and sleep, other times it’s my mind racing but I am hopeful that it’s only a short term thing and sleep will return to its regular format soon. In the meantime I am awake at stupid times of the day and night but while it’s nice and quiet it allows me uninterrupted blogging. When I am sleep deprived it takes its toll on my moods and can impact on my depression so I’m watching that closely and will talk to my doctor at my next appointment about that.

For now, I’m trying to go with the flow and try and limit the high and low moods as best as I can and that isn’t easy! So, I will try and add more in the coming days/weeks and document some of the things I’m learning or re-learning and more about my topsy-turvy existence.