I hate depression! I hate what my life is sometimes! I hate that there are so many unanswered questions. I hate that it’s the worst roller-coaster ride on the planet (for me at least).
My therapy is going well, I see a counsellor at the Gold Coast Centre Against Sexual Violence. I’ve used the service before and it was just what I needed, the counsellors there are excellent as they specialise in all things that fall under the umbrella term of sexual violence.
I went back there because I started to struggle with some new information which I touched on in this post - A Bumpy Ride – and while my counsellor helps with this, she helps with other things that arise as well so I get the best help I could ask for. I really like her too which always helps, we hit it off and have a wonderful counsellor/client relationship and we are on the same wavelength a lot of time so it stops the need for constant clarification.
I’m currently washing my anti-depressants out of my system as I don’t feel that they’re helping as much as they could be, the idea is to wean me off these over 4 weeks and then put me onto something new and see if they work better. This is being done under my doctor’s supervision. I thought I’d be okay doing this but I’m stunned at how quickly I’ve been thrown back onto that emotional roller-coaster ride that depression can be.
Most days my moods spike upwards, and while some people may look at those moods as a good thing, it’s the people who know me well that know these aren’t normal. But as the title says “what goes up must come down” and of course my mood does. I hate this!
The weirdest thing about the response to my ups and downs is how others relate to me during each mood swing. If I’m up, I find that my parents and husband are really happy, it’s like they don’t know how to relate to me when I’m ‘normal’ or low but if I’m “UP” it’s like it translates to me being happy and so they like it. If I am just my normal self, average, regular mood, I feel okay, alright etc or I’m low, the response from them is quite different. I find that quite alarming.
I need more support from those around me though when I am in a low, I need understanding but when that’s more intimidating to others…what can I do? I’m lucky that I have my sister to turn to in a crisis and she’s great.
I had a marathon counselling session yesterday, wow I talked her ears off. I hadn’t had a session in three weeks and so much had happened in between sessions. But after filling her in on all the recent things that had happened that had some kind of impact on me emotionally, we moved onto other things. She wanted to know more about my depression and how I was affected by it. Since going off my meds, I’ve been keeping a tab on my moods, things I do and things that might have an impact and tracking the ups and downs.
And then the conversation changed. Let’s just say ‘Freudian Slip’…I had one! Speak to any therapist and say a certain word and they get all Sigmund Freud on you! And this is what happened. What was the word? Okay bear in mind, I’m talking to a counsellor who specialises in sexual violence issues and there we are talking about my sex life and I mention the word ‘dirty’. Oh hell! I knew as soon as I had said it where this was going to go….and that’s next Friday’s appointment – we’re going to try and get to the bottom of that!
Oh well, if it’s for the greater good and helps me, I’m all for it but I just wish I had kept my mouth shut about it!
More later…
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