A few weeks ago, I was on Facebook and sending someone a private message and something caught my eye at the top right of the page. Facebook – in all their wisdom – have something that lets you know of possible friends you have yet to discover by looking at your list of friends and their friends and working out potential connections. So under the heading of “People you may know” came a startling discovery – my abuser from when I was 4 years old was there. Oh yes, I know him but thanks for nothing Facebook for putting this creep in my face!
It then dawned on me, for him to be showing in this list, some of my friends on my account must be friends with him. There could only be three possible people and a quick check confirmed they all had him in their friends list. I was dumbfounded! I sat there stunned for a few minutes trying to work out why they’d even have him as a friend (one of them didn’t know of the abuse but I believed that two did, one I knew for certain as I’d told her and she told me she’d told the second one). Let’s call them A, B & C for ease (as I won’t reveal who they are for their own privacy).
A knew about the abuse and she knew who the abuser was. A told me that she’d tell B and another person but for whatever reason, she didn’t get to do that. I’m not angry with that, things can get in the way and people forget. Thinking that B knew, I was gobsmacked that she would friend the abuser. C didn’t know so I wrongly saw her as guilty by association. It was just that it was a huge shock for me at that moment and the two weeks after. I panicked and did the only thing I could think of and deleted A, B & C from my Facebook friends. That didn’t feel so secure though…I took further drastic action – I deactivated my account!
I sat back and tried to make sense of the whirlwind of emotions I was feeling, my brain was whirring away like a hamster on a wheel out of control. I felt unsafe and I felt betrayed.
My sister who is often my valiant knight sent me words of support and empathy and then posted something on her own account about what had happened but she felt she had to defend me somehow and wrote an email to A, B & C to voice her concerns over all of this. This is when we found out that B & C hadn’t got a clue and all three immediately removed the abuser from their friend lists. I think what’s hard for me at times is that they know him and have done for a long time. This must be also hard for them to grasp that someone they thought they could trust could do something like this but at the same time there is a bond of some sort between them all. I feel for them all being stuck in the middle of this mess.
Naturally they were all so shocked when they got the email and discussed it to a degree with my sister, all the while she was letting me know about the relevant points.
Something happened to me when I had this shock, my voice just left me. I couldn’t utter a word. It’s a hard thing to explain but it felt like my voice was paralysed with fear. I knew there wasn’t anything physically wrong with it but it just wouldn’t work for a few days. So I spent that time thinking about all of the above and trying to put it into some kind of perspective that I could deal with. Eventually I relaxed a little and it came back. I had also organised an appointment with my counsellor to discuss what had just happened.
My appointment went well, though it was hard for me to leave the house by myself, I’d hidden myself away and I didn’t want to become agoraphobic so I ventured out. It was the worst possible day on the roads too, the traffic was horrendous, the car was playing up, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more nervous and fearful as I did that day being out. You see, it struck me that if I’d noticed he was on Facebook, there was a chance he’d seen I was. Then he’d have learnt my married name and know the general area that I lived in. I live approximately 1,000 miles from him and I like that distance but I suddenly felt threatened by the chance that he knew more about me now than I’d have liked. I shared these concerns with my counsellor and she made a note that I didn’t feel safe in case anything happened. I’m hoping nothing will and there’s every chance I’m as safe as the next person but at least a professional knows about my concerns in case.
At the session, we discussed everything that had been going on and how I was feeling and she asked me what I wanted to do about him, if anything. I wanted him to be held accountable for what he did to me, I wanted to go through the legal process and make a statement with the police and have them investigate him. If it went to court, that would be even more of a bonus. I was adamant that that’s what I wanted to do!
I felt a little more relaxed after the session with my counsellor, not greatly because I knew I had a long way to go in all of this. At least I finally felt as though I was starting to regain the control I felt that I lost all those years ago. And that’s a great start!
Recent Comments